Why Do Christian Marriages Have Conflicts?


It is not true that good Christian marriages never had any conflicts. The fact is every marriage has problems including those where the husband and wife are both Christians. Being a Christian does not inoculate one from the conflicts that all people have.

It is important that Christians recognize that because if they believe that they shouldn’t have the same problems as others have they might become discouraged and believe that they and their marriage is a failure.

Every relationship has conflicts. And that certainly is true of the marriage relationship sets it is the most intimate of all relationships. Christian couples do experience conflict. They get annoyed at each other. They argue with each other. But the difference between those marriages that thrive and those that struggle is that the successful marriages find a way to work through their problems. Some find the need to seek out free Christian counseling.

They do not allow their differences to become destructive and to be so hurtful toward each other that it is practically impossible for the relationship to recover. In an ironic way conflict can end up strengthening a relationship. Once a couple has resolved a conflict they often are more in love with each other than ever before. And they have a new found confidence that they will be able to resolve any difficulties that they may face in the years ahead.

It can be helpful to understand what the sources of conflict in a Christian marriage are. Interestingly, one of the chief causes of marital conflict is intimacy. The husband and wife spend more time with each other than they do with anyone else. That creates more opportunities for conflict. And because the couple is so used to each other it is easier for them to disagree with each other. Compare that poor example to how hard or easy it would be to disagree with your employer. You probably would not be so easily inclined to argue with your boss. But because you know your husband or wife so well there is not that same hesitancy.

Another reason that Christian husbands and wives get into arguments is because of basic differences between them. After all one is male and the other is female. That is enough difference right there to explain many marital disagreements. But beyond that individuals have different personalities and temperaments. Their family of origins are different. For example, the husband might come from a family that was very close to each other. The wife of the other hand might come from a family that was disengaged from each other. Those family experiences are what make people different and can lead to conflicts.

A third reason that conflict sometimes arises in a marriage is that one person tries to change the other. There was a great piece of advice given by a divorced woman. She would say to a groom, don’t marry her if you don’t love her the way she is. Or to the bride she would say don’t marry him if you don’t love him the way he is. People do change but that change usually comes from inside. And if someone else tries to change them, like their husband or wife, they can become resentful and angry. It suggest to them that their mate is not happy with them as they are which leads to sadness, which leads to hurt, which leads to anger, which leads to defensiveness, which leads to arguments.

A fourth thing that can cause arguments is fatigue. Tiredness is the underlying cause of many heated arguments. These are the stupid arguments that couples have. They may not seem stupid at the time but when they look back on them they realize how foolish and unnecessary they were. It is important for a couple to recognize the emotional and physical state that they are in. In doing so they may be able to avoid some potential trouble.

A final reason mentioned in this article that is a source of fights in a Christian marriage has to do with differing roles and expectations. Again this can relate to family of origin issues. What dad did and what mom did creates one’s expectation for what they will do and their partner will do in their marriage relationship. So if a husbands dad worked outside the home, mowed the grass, and took care of all the cars for instance. And his mother never worked outside the home but was happy to be a homemaker then he might expect his wife to do the same. But his wife’s growing up experience and what she’s all modeled in her mother might have been very different. It does not take a genius to see how such differing expectations and desires would lead to some intense discussions to say the least.

In today’s cultural climate there are probably more challenges to marriages and higher expectations of a marriage than their have ever been before. It is a good thing that coinciding with that today there are more marriage resources available to help couples than at any other time in history. You can even find Christian counseling help online. If the marriage problems are more serious and have been around for some time it would probably be best to seek out local Christian counseling services.

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