Posts Tagged ‘Christian husbands’

Six Key Ingredients for Solving Problems in Christian Marriages

There are certain key ingredients to an effective plan to help Christian couples solve any marital problem. In this article, we will briefly introduce each of these ingredients. Beyond that, a couple may find it beneficial to spend time with a Christian marriage therapist.

First of all, the husband and wife need to respect the viewpoint of the other. Two people will not see everything just alike and that is okay. Couples need to be able to disagree with each other without being disagreeable. It is not a matter of complete agreement on all things but rather acceptance of the other person. Without such implicit acceptance, the couple can become involved in manipulations of each other and a battle for power in the relationship. This in turn creates feelings of frustration and even anger.

Number two, it is extremely helpful if a couple can quickly get to the real problem. This is an area where a Christian marriage counselor can be helpful – and it sometimes requires a number of sessions with a counselor before the real problem is identified. If the husband and / or wife focuses instead on related symptoms of the problem, then any resolution to the conflict will be delayed.

Three, Christian couples need to learn how to effectively communicate to each other what they are feeling. If done wrongly that expression of feelings can do more harm than good. It is very easy when a person is hurt to lash out and say angry hurtful things to their mate. This will cause their mate to react to the criticisms, accusations, or general angry comments in like manner.

The old advice is “it not what you say but how you say it” is good advice for how Christian husbands and wives should express their emotions to each other. Too often, couples began their statements to each other using the word “you.” And it may be even pointing a finger at the other person in an accusatory way.

It is better to begin a statement with the word “I” and simply express how one is feeling. In doing so, a person is still able to offer a complaint about something, but instead of immediately going into an attack against their partner, they tell them how that makes them feel. Said that way, the other person is less likely to react in a negative fashion.

Fourth, a Christian marriage in conflict needs to evaluate a number of possible solutions to the problem. Marriage counselors will sometimes suggest that the couple actually write down possible solutions on a piece of paper and then discuss each of them. Simply doing that can provide the couple with a level of confidence that there are ways to deal with the problem. This directs the minds of the couple toward solutions rather than continuing to rehash the problem.

Fifth, sufficient time must be given to dealing with the relationship problem. And not only enough time but also the work should be done at the best time. Trying to work out a problem at the end of a long work day for both the husband and wife is usually not the best time. When people are tired it is a lot easier to get into an argument. It is better to find a time when both are reasonably rested and have enough time to focus adequately on the conflict. If either the husband or the wife becomes overly emotional or has intense feelings of anger, it is best to halt the discussion and come back to it at a later time when things have calmed down.

You have heard the expression “I was so angry I could not think straight.” And that is literally true. When a person reaches a certain level of anger it is impossible for them to think straight. When couples are that angry, they will say and do things that they would not ordinarily do.

Lastly, couples need to be patient with themselves and each other. If there were a simple solution to every problem then there would be no problems. The truth is that relationships are complex and it takes time and commitment to continue to learn and grow in the relationship.

A mature couple will understand that and that will reduce their impatience with each other. The wise couple takes the viewpoint that while they have differences they are on the same side and are committed to making their marriage not only work but be a happy one.

If a married couple continues to be stuck in a relationship problem no matter what they do, it is advisable that they seek out a Christian counselor who specializes in marital problems.

If a couple is unable to find a local marriage counselor that is affordable, then there are some other options to consider. One is that there are a number of online Christian counselors who can provide e-mail and or phone assistance. Because the counselor does not have the overhead expenses of an office they are able to offer more affordable Christian counseling services.

If you prefer and believe it would be beneficial to have face-to-face marriage counseling, then don’t give up on finding someone who could help nearby who is in your price range. Many larger churches now have Christian counseling centers staffed with licensed marriage therapists. The fees for their counseling services are often based on a scale related to one’s income. Do some searching online or in your local Yellow Pages to see if there are some of these services in your local area.

Why Do Christian Marriages Have Conflicts?

It is not true that good Christian marriages never had any conflicts. The fact is every marriage has problems including those where the husband and wife are both Christians. Being a Christian does not inoculate one from the conflicts that all people have.

It is important that Christians recognize that because if they believe that they shouldn’t have the same problems as others have they might become discouraged and believe that they and their marriage is a failure.

Every relationship has conflicts. And that certainly is true of the marriage relationship sets it is the most intimate of all relationships. Christian couples do experience conflict. They get annoyed at each other. They argue with each other. But the difference between those marriages that thrive and those that struggle is that the successful marriages find a way to work through their problems. Some find the need to seek out free Christian counseling.

They do not allow their differences to become destructive and to be so hurtful toward each other that it is practically impossible for the relationship to recover. In an ironic way conflict can end up strengthening a relationship. Once a couple has resolved a conflict they often are more in love with each other than ever before. And they have a new found confidence that they will be able to resolve any difficulties that they may face in the years ahead.

It can be helpful to understand what the sources of conflict in a Christian marriage are. Interestingly, one of the chief causes of marital conflict is intimacy. The husband and wife spend more time with each other than they do with anyone else. That creates more opportunities for conflict. And because the couple is so used to each other it is easier for them to disagree with each other. Compare that poor example to how hard or easy it would be to disagree with your employer. You probably would not be so easily inclined to argue with your boss. But because you know your husband or wife so well there is not that same hesitancy.

Another reason that Christian husbands and wives get into arguments is because of basic differences between them. After all one is male and the other is female. That is enough difference right there to explain many marital disagreements. But beyond that individuals have different personalities and temperaments. Their family of origins are different. For example, the husband might come from a family that was very close to each other. The wife of the other hand might come from a family that was disengaged from each other. Those family experiences are what make people different and can lead to conflicts.

A third reason that conflict sometimes arises in a marriage is that one person tries to change the other. There was a great piece of advice given by a divorced woman. She would say to a groom, don’t marry her if you don’t love her the way she is. Or to the bride she would say don’t marry him if you don’t love him the way he is. People do change but that change usually comes from inside. And if someone else tries to change them, like their husband or wife, they can become resentful and angry. It suggest to them that their mate is not happy with them as they are which leads to sadness, which leads to hurt, which leads to anger, which leads to defensiveness, which leads to arguments.

A fourth thing that can cause arguments is fatigue. Tiredness is the underlying cause of many heated arguments. These are the stupid arguments that couples have. They may not seem stupid at the time but when they look back on them they realize how foolish and unnecessary they were. It is important for a couple to recognize the emotional and physical state that they are in. In doing so they may be able to avoid some potential trouble.

A final reason mentioned in this article that is a source of fights in a Christian marriage has to do with differing roles and expectations. Again this can relate to family of origin issues. What dad did and what mom did creates one’s expectation for what they will do and their partner will do in their marriage relationship. So if a husbands dad worked outside the home, mowed the grass, and took care of all the cars for instance. And his mother never worked outside the home but was happy to be a homemaker then he might expect his wife to do the same. But his wife’s growing up experience and what she’s all modeled in her mother might have been very different. It does not take a genius to see how such differing expectations and desires would lead to some intense discussions to say the least.

In today’s cultural climate there are probably more challenges to marriages and higher expectations of a marriage than their have ever been before. It is a good thing that coinciding with that today there are more marriage resources available to help couples than at any other time in history. You can even find Christian counseling help online. If the marriage problems are more serious and have been around for some time it would probably be best to seek out local Christian counseling services.

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We're William and Helen, and we are continuously adding articles to this site. Some are written by us and others are added by various guest authors. We believe you will find something of interest here as we have articles on every imaginable subject and some that aren't.